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Fun fact: The Bard had several names for his penis, among them “The Bard’s Yard of Lard” and “Lil Curlz”

It’s so fun to come up with pen(is) names. I clearly need a pen name because I don’t want future employers to Google my actual name and find articles on sexual positions and sleeping with your coworkers with the sole aim of ruining their lives (I mean, it’s satire, right… or is it?). My goal is to have a career in healthcare and that doesn’t mesh too well with my online misanthropic-bitch-drinking-3-dollar-wine tone (even though that’s my personality and all my friends know this but don’t tell those medical nerds that… also I’m not totally married to healthcare but that’s a story for another article). I believe I can be a nice lady who likes healthcare and science and is sarcastic and writes about dicks all the time, but sadly a lot of admissions boards don’t feel that way. So it’s time to grow up a little and come up with a pen name, which I find is very similar to coming up with penis names.

You want a name that:

  1. You want to actually be called. I can’t have my pen name be Magic Princess Sparkleton or the Cuntblaster 6000 because I don’t want people to call me that online. Similarly, you can’t name your penis Count Chocula or Tiny McLittleNuts if you don’t want it to be called that for a long time. I promise you, I am very committed to keeping pen(is) names for a long, long time.
  2. Sounds like someone’s actual name. This is my personal preference, but I like having a pen name that wouldn’t stand out too much and single me out (like Lady Gaga or Spongebob). I want to communicate that I’m a person and don’t take this too seriously, but that’s my vibe and doesn’t have to be yours. Also if I had a pen(is) name that was something like Bigor Forëskein, it would be really easy for someone to Google that and find a link to a piece I’ve written about Mr. Forëskein. However, if the pen(is) name was Alberto, it would be nearly impossible for Alberto’s owner to find my blog post about how Alberto is a weird grey color and has an attitude problem.
  3. Is important and personal to you. I like Ellie because it’s what my family has called me all my life since my middle name is Elizabeth and I’m using my real last name, so when other people call me Ellie Guzman that’s actually me and it’s not as weird as if they called me Kimberly Denise Jones. Also, for penises, I like to make it personal to that unique penis, like Squiggly Magee or SaltyNut.

I’ll be changing my name to Ellie Guzman on Medium now so that it matches the rest of my writing platforms (and so I can force myself to start being more active on that. Go follow it or I’ll drink window cleaner). It also matches my new website,! Yay! Here’s to coming up with more penis names!

Ellie Guzman has a , a , and too much time on her hands.

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TV writer trying to figure it out. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: . You can support my writing here:

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