Someone Stole My Lingerie And I’m So Confused

Photo by Fahad Waseem on Unsplash

I wish this was a sexy post or a joke post or a sexy joke post, I really do, but sadly it is real. Like, 100% not a joke. This happened in real life to me this week.

The unfortunate reality of what happened is that I spent like $35 on a piece of lingerie, it was delivered, and someone in my building STOLE IT.

Let us take a moment. Let us contemplate. These are the facts:

Number 1: Someone stole my package (not a sexy “I have a package for you” package, but an “Ellie paid for this and you stole it” package).

Number 2: Because it was delivered and not the seller’s fault, I’m out like $35 for no reason other than someone else’s sticky hands. 35 dollars! I could buy like four Chipotle burritos!

Number 3: Since I purchased it from a small shop on Etsy, they have since run out of this product in my size. I can’t even replace it; it’s gone forever.

Number 4: There’s some motherfucker out there right now running around with my goddamn lingerie!

Now listen, I never wore this lingerie. Did I envision myself in it? Sure! I chose a specific piece with a particular style, a carefully selected aura, and I curated it perfectly because I knew it was going to look and feel great. I have been burned by lingerie before and wound up looking like a Christmas ham with a string tied around it so I really took great care in selecting this piece. And then the aforementioned motherfucker stole it. Honestly, even though I never wore it, I feel a little violated. Someone took my sexy non-sleepwear!

I am confused because not only is it lingerie, but it’s also specifically sized. I honestly doubt that someone else in this building would want that piece in that style AND in that size AND also be okay with taking someone else’s underwear.

I would love nothing more than to know who took it, because the possibilities are endless. Who has my lingerie right now? Are they getting use out of it? Did they realize what it was and, horrified, got rid of it? Did the act of thievery reignite the spark between a couple that had grown apart? Did I accidentally Parent Trap an emotionally distant couple? Did a man who lives alone take it and realize he likes wearing it around the house and has some deeper self-exploration to do? Does someone use it instead as netting with which to hang garlic and shallots in their kitchen? Did it ever cross their mind to return it?!

Also, why lingerie? I’ve had an entire gaming computer and monitor setup delivered to my place; not stolen. I’ve had groceries delivered; not stolen. Once my roommate left our sliding door open all day while neither of us were home and nothing happened. Why in the fuck would they take my undies?

I’m just a woman, sitting in my room, lingerie-less and out $35, thinking of where the piece landed. FedEx says that it was delivered in the mailbox, so it’s possible that it was put in the wrong mailbox and even then the person did not return it. Or by “mailbox” FedEx meant that they placed the box on top of the mailboxes where just anyone in the building could take it, which they do all the time. At the end of the day, we’ll all be ashes, invisible in the wind, just like that missing lil sex outfit.

Damn. $35 gone. And some rando running around with my lingerie. These truly are the end times.

TV writer trying to figure it out. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: . You can support my writing here:

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