Sexual Predator Is Suddenly Full of Remorse Now That He’s Been Caught

Ellie Guzman
4 min readNov 12, 2017



Hi everyone.

Oooof. Jeez. Okay. What a week.

I want to address the women who have come out as my victims. Ladies and gentlemen, this is mambo number five.

A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side, a little bit of Rita is all I need, a little bit of Tina is what I see…

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the assaults. Yeah, I totally did that. But let’s not call them assaults, yeah? Let’s call them “stories”. Like, little tidbits or nuggets of info.

At the time, I said to myself that what I did (you know, assaulting people) was a-okay because I never did it without asking first. I’d always be like “Hey, do you mind if I sexually traumatize you real quick?” before I did it. I’m a gentleman like that.

So I would get these women alone, and I would make sure that they knew that I knew that I could destroy their careers and all their hopes and dreams, and also that I was sort of kind of way more powerful than they were professionally, financially, and socially. And then I’d whip out me ol’ peepee and get real weird with it.

Look. I have been remorseful of my actions ever since the world found out about them. And I’ve tried to learn from everyone being real mad at me. Now I’m aware of the extent of the impact of my actions. Like, just now. I just now became aware of the impact of my creepy actions. I just realized it yesterday. I am a smart man who hadn’t put that together until it became a whole “thing” after Weinstein.

I feel bad now that what I did made these ladies with their lady brains all messed up in the self-esteem department. That was my bad. It also makes me sad that they are now cautious around other men who would never have put them in that position. This is all a real loss for those other men who would’ve gotten some quality lays if I hadn’t mucked it all up.

I also took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their community, which disabled them from sharing their story and brought hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t want to hear it. You need to know that I am a very big deal. Like, the biggest. Boy, do people admire me! Oh man. I’m so cool.

I didn’t think that I was doing anything too bad because my position allowed me not to think about it and also because, like, who even cared? But there is nothing about this that I forgive myself for now that I have been caught. And I have to reconcile it with who I am which is still the same person that I was before I got caught because the only thing that changed my stance was, you know, getting caught. Look, let’s not forget the central message in all this: I am a cool dude who is widely admired. I wish I had reacted to their admiration of me by being a good example to them as a man and given them some guidance as a comedian, including because I admired their work, instead of getting all rapey.

The hardest regret to live with is getting into trouble. And I can hardly wrap my head around the scope of hurt I brought on the victims because honestly, I hadn’t even thought about it before I got caught. I’d be remiss to exclude the hurt that I’ve brought on people who I work with and have worked with who’s professional and personal lives have been impacted by all of this, because they’re actually important and have power over my career. I deeply regret that this has brought negative attention to my manager who only tried to mediate a situation that I caused. I mean, not that he knew and was complicit in it. Uhh... Run as fast as you can Mr. Manager! I’ve also brought anguish and hardship to the people who sign my paychecks. Oh shit and yeah, I’ve brought pain to my family, my friends, my children and their mother. Did I mention I have daughters? OOOOOOOWEEEEEEE.

I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want and doing anything I want including victimizing women who I thought would remain silent because I knew from the goddamn beginning just how much power I had over them and that shit got me off until, you know, I made a booboo and got caught. So I will now step back and take a long time to listen, primarily because I have nothing else to do now that no one will work with me. Thank you for reading and you’re welcome.



Ellie Guzman

TV writer trying to have it all. Former healthcare worker turned comedy goblin. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: