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I would let him cum laude all over my face.

Hey Matt. I see you’re trending on Medium. I’m going to write a quick thinkpiece on you.

Daaaaaayuuuum, son. Put your dick in my mouth. Or rest it gently on my forehead. Actually let me grab it and sing “I Will Always Love You” into it like karaoke. You can “kara” my “oke.” I wanna shoop!

Damn, dude. Allow me to fellate you. Much like The Martian I’ll make that rocket of yours explode. That’s what happened, right? I never watched it. Don’t judge me.

May I ride you like a horse into the sunset? Much like Will Hunting with his math equations, you can also do me in a Harvard hallway.

Please tear apart my perineum like it’s tissue paper. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault!

You’re hot but like, approachable hot. You’re not like “Oh my god this is never going to happen, he will never choose me, he’s too hot” hot. You’re like “whoa, my friend’s dad is weirdly hot, I know he’s recently divorced so allow me to spill water on my white top so he can see the boobage” hot.

I know you have a clean water initiative for El Salvador, where my family comes from. Speaking of that, I’m actually kind of dehydrated. From a medical standpoint, the only cure for me is your dick. Please. Help my ethnic self.

I also know you’re into Latina chicks too so, hola to you. Let’s have a fiesta. I know you were in The Departed which is funny because some people want me in The Deported so we’ll have lots to talk about.

I just know we were Bourne to be together. And fuck.

Much love,


P.S. Call me.

P.P.S. I put my foot behind my head in a dream once so you know I’m freaky with it.

P.P.P.S. I love you?

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