Links to My Medium Posts

One day when I’m an old lady and Medium creates some kind of directory/archive feature we’ll all laugh together around a bonfire on top of a spaceship.


Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney

Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face

What’s My Body Type Again?

How Being A Nonfamous Child Actress Messed Me Up

Complete Archive

What’s My Body Type Again? — A humorous take on body image and the absurdity of body types (hourglass, pear, noose, etc.)

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers — One of my favorite satirical pieces I’ve written

10 Things You Should Be Doing Daily To Remain Mediocre Scum — Lifehack satire

9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)— Part one of my clickbait writing exercise

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job — Workplace satire, also featured on The Huffington Post (horn tooting)

The Pen(is) Name Guide — An explanation into how “Ellie Guzman” happened

An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck — Making fun of this guy

Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart — Haters make me famous. Also on HuffPo where people got really riled up in the comments because of course they did

Internet Users Leave Asinine Comments on Blog Posts, Have Best Climaxes of Their Lives — I wonder what this was inspired by (see above)

Clickbait Headlines Vol. II: 2 Fast 2 Clickbait — Part two of my clickbait headline writing exercise

10 Thoughts You Have When You’re About to Reach 1k Medium Followers — A little humblebrag

On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women — My first serious piece

Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!—I think this can be called satire even though I’m totally serious about not knowing anything

A Haiku — Dog autofellatio

An Ode to My Rubio Days — a comedic reflection on my sad days inspired by Marco Rubio’s downfall

Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face — another lifehack satirical piece inspired by Benjamin Hardy’s piece

Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town — satire inspired by my own long distance boyfriend being in town

How to Remove a Post From a Publication on Medium — a little tutorial for people having a hard time with removing posts from publications without deleting them

Date Lunch: A Haiku — that time my boyfriend pooped at a YMCA

Let’s Watch Some Videos of Toddlers Falling Down — Why not?

The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney — a tragic true story

Welcome to My Relationship — a satirical welcome to those who feel entitled to enter my relationship

I’m Just A Fiery, Spicy Latina — a list of things I love more than being described like a chicken wing

Future Movies — these would all potentially have Dwayne Johnson in them, let’s be honest

15 Year Old Me Had It All, So Why Do I Get Sad Thinking About Her? — I was asked to contribute to Ernio’s wonderful piece (link here) about quinceañeras and had a blast doing it

COCK! Tails With Ellie —a comedic boozy adventure

Clickbait Headlines Vol. III: Harry Potter and the Clickity BaitBop — part three of my clickbait headline writing exercise

What Will Make Me Happiest? — a piece for Happiness Weekly

How To Effectively Antagonize Latino People On Cinco De Mayo —Spoiler alert: a woman of color is told to lighten up

I’m An Ontrepo… Entrepenile… AUNTREPUREE — Some startup ideas

A Conversation Between Me And My Brain — Writer’s block is the worst

Keep Writing — My entry for The Writing Cooperative’s Spring Writing Contest which made me the Reader’s Choice Winner. End of brag

Ten Surefire Ways to Get Dumped—Some strategies on how to get your significant other to break up with you because you’re a coward

Five Items From My Amazon Wishlist That’ll Make You Say “Yeah That Seems About Right” — Exhibit A: Wine Dog

A Letter Defending My Son, Lucifer Von ShitBrick — my satirical take on this letter by the Stanford rapist’s father

I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me — inspired by true events

“What’s The Worst Thing You’ve Seen In The ER?” — a reflection on my first time working in the ER

I Am A Born Again Lazy Person — on the impact my new job has had on my productivity

Matt Damon Thinkpiece — Matt Damon was trending and I had something to say (maybe don’t read this at work)

25 Thoughts I Had After Spending 25 Dollars On Lip Gloss — dammit Kylie Jenner

How Being A Nonfamous Child Actress Messed Me Up — it’s childhood reflection time

About My Lady Pieces — This is the month my publication Lady Pieces was born! Here is a post about what it is (and feel free to submit!)

Show The World That You’re In Charge By Staring Directly At The Sun — How inspiring.

This 8 Question Quiz Will Tell You Who To Vote For — Oh, a simpler time.

How To Hack Your Girlfriend’s Period — written by my evil male twin Dylan Lilpecker

Bulimic Exercise Behavior and the Dangers of Social Normalization of Eating Disorders — a serious piece about purging through exercise

Anniversary Gifts For Your Significant Other — my favorite is the taxidermied duck

Almost Salsa Hookers: A Short Story — that time my friends and I were mistaken for ladies of the night

Childbirth Is Disgusting And Other Truths — Kanye West shrug

Hello Poverty, Old Friend — my relationship with money

An Important Announcement From Your Friend Who Snuck Into The Bathroom With A Bottle Of Champagne On New Years — a lil tipsy

Crashing and Burning Out — why I left my ER job

How To Get Your Body Protest Season Ready — how to effectively protest

The News Workout — hitting the gym in this political climate

10 Sex Positions For This Valentine’s Day — ever done the Bowling Ball?

A Cute Baby — I’m terrified of children

How To Get All The Followers On Medium — some solid advice (or not)

I’m Going To Pinterest DIY My Way To A Better Life — mason jars equal stability

6 Simple Ways to Improve Your Emergency Room Experience — okay this is actually a serious piece with good advice

Quiz: Does Your Significant Other Suck? — spoiler alert: yes

Sexism In Medicine: From Providers to Patients — it’s a big problem

What I Learned After Delivering Food In L.A. For A Month — people are weird

What I Imagine Lunch With Mike Pence Would Be Like — so this is why he doesn’t eat alone with women!

24 Things I Learned Before Turning 24 — small nuggets of wisdom

Coachellie: The Festival To End All Festivals — so much better than Coachella

6 Things I Realized My Butt Looks Like — it also looks like a rorschach painting

That Time I Thought I Had Cancer — this is very poop-centric

How To Inception Your Significant Other Into Leaving You — that way you don’t have to break up with them!

How To Be An Excellent Hot Mess In Three Easy Steps! — just because you’re a wreck, it doesn’t mean you can’t be good at it


Just you wait

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TV writer trying to figure it out. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: . You can support my writing here:

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