Links to My Medium Posts
One day when I’m an old lady and Medium creates some kind of directory/archive feature we’ll all laugh together around a bonfire on top of a spaceship.
Favorites
Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job
8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers
The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney
Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face
How Being A Nonfamous Child Actress Messed Me Up
Complete Archive
November 2015
What’s My Body Type Again? — A humorous take on body image and the absurdity of body types (hourglass, pear, noose, etc.)
January 2016
8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers — One of my favorite satirical pieces I’ve written
February 2016
10 Things You Should Be Doing Daily To Remain Mediocre Scum — Lifehack satire
9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)— Part one of my clickbait writing exercise
Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job — Workplace satire, also featured on The Huffington Post (horn tooting)
The Pen(is) Name Guide — An explanation into how “Ellie Guzman” happened
An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck — Making fun of this guy
Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart — Haters make me famous. Also on HuffPo where people got really riled up in the comments because of course they did
Internet Users Leave Asinine Comments on Blog Posts, Have Best Climaxes of Their Lives — I wonder what this was inspired by (see above)
March 2016
Clickbait Headlines Vol. II: 2 Fast 2 Clickbait — Part two of my clickbait headline writing exercise
10 Thoughts You Have When You’re About to Reach 1k Medium Followers — A little humblebrag
On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women — My first serious piece
Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!—I think this can be called satire even though I’m totally serious about not knowing anything
A Haiku — Dog autofellatio
An Ode to My Rubio Days — a comedic reflection on my sad days inspired by Marco Rubio’s downfall
Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face — another lifehack satirical piece inspired by Benjamin Hardy’s piece
Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town — satire inspired by my own long distance boyfriend being in town
How to Remove a Post From a Publication on Medium — a little tutorial for people having a hard time with removing posts from publications without deleting them
Date Lunch: A Haiku — that time my boyfriend pooped at a YMCA
Let’s Watch Some Videos of Toddlers Falling Down — Why not?
The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney — a tragic true story
April 2016
Welcome to My Relationship — a satirical welcome to those who feel entitled to enter my relationship
I’m Just A Fiery, Spicy Latina — a list of things I love more than being described like a chicken wing
Future Movies — these would all potentially have Dwayne Johnson in them, let’s be honest
15 Year Old Me Had It All, So Why Do I Get Sad Thinking About Her? — I was asked to contribute to Ernio’s wonderful piece (link here) about quinceañeras and had a blast doing it
COCK! Tails With Ellie —a comedic boozy adventure
Clickbait Headlines Vol. III: Harry Potter and the Clickity BaitBop — part three of my clickbait headline writing exercise
What Will Make Me Happiest? — a piece for Happiness Weekly
May 2016
How To Effectively Antagonize Latino People On Cinco De Mayo —Spoiler alert: a woman of color is told to lighten up
I’m An Ontrepo… Entrepenile… AUNTREPUREE — Some startup ideas
A Conversation Between Me And My Brain — Writer’s block is the worst
Keep Writing — My entry for The Writing Cooperative’s Spring Writing Contest which made me the Reader’s Choice Winner. End of brag
Ten Surefire Ways to Get Dumped—Some strategies on how to get your significant other to break up with you because you’re a coward
Five Items From My Amazon Wishlist That’ll Make You Say “Yeah That Seems About Right” — Exhibit A: Wine Dog
June 2016
A Letter Defending My Son, Lucifer Von ShitBrick — my satirical take on this letter by the Stanford rapist’s father
I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me — inspired by true events
July 2016
“What’s The Worst Thing You’ve Seen In The ER?” — a reflection on my first time working in the ER
I Am A Born Again Lazy Person — on the impact my new job has had on my productivity
Matt Damon Thinkpiece — Matt Damon was trending and I had something to say (maybe don’t read this at work)
25 Thoughts I Had After Spending 25 Dollars On Lip Gloss — dammit Kylie Jenner
August 2016
How Being A Nonfamous Child Actress Messed Me Up — it’s childhood reflection time
September 2016
About My Lady Pieces — This is the month my publication Lady Pieces was born! Here is a post about what it is (and feel free to submit!)
Show The World That You’re In Charge By Staring Directly At The Sun — How inspiring.
This 8 Question Quiz Will Tell You Who To Vote For — Oh, a simpler time.
October 2016
How To Hack Your Girlfriend’s Period — written by my evil male twin Dylan Lilpecker
Bulimic Exercise Behavior and the Dangers of Social Normalization of Eating Disorders — a serious piece about purging through exercise
November 2016
Anniversary Gifts For Your Significant Other — my favorite is the taxidermied duck
December 2016
Almost Salsa Hookers: A Short Story — that time my friends and I were mistaken for ladies of the night
Childbirth Is Disgusting And Other Truths — Kanye West shrug
Hello Poverty, Old Friend — my relationship with money
January 2017
An Important Announcement From Your Friend Who Snuck Into The Bathroom With A Bottle Of Champagne On New Years — a lil tipsy
Crashing and Burning Out — why I left my ER job
How To Get Your Body Protest Season Ready — how to effectively protest
February 2017
The News Workout — hitting the gym in this political climate
10 Sex Positions For This Valentine’s Day — ever done the Bowling Ball?
A Cute Baby — I’m terrified of children
How To Get All The Followers On Medium — some solid advice (or not)
I’m Going To Pinterest DIY My Way To A Better Life — mason jars equal stability
6 Simple Ways to Improve Your Emergency Room Experience — okay this is actually a serious piece with good advice
Quiz: Does Your Significant Other Suck? — spoiler alert: yes
March 2017
Sexism In Medicine: From Providers to Patients — it’s a big problem
What I Learned After Delivering Food In L.A. For A Month — people are weird
What I Imagine Lunch With Mike Pence Would Be Like — so this is why he doesn’t eat alone with women!
April 2017
24 Things I Learned Before Turning 24 — small nuggets of wisdom
Coachellie: The Festival To End All Festivals — so much better than Coachella
May 2017
6 Things I Realized My Butt Looks Like — it also looks like a rorschach painting
That Time I Thought I Had Cancer — this is very poop-centric
June 2017
How To Inception Your Significant Other Into Leaving You — that way you don’t have to break up with them!
How To Be An Excellent Hot Mess In Three Easy Steps! — just because you’re a wreck, it doesn’t mean you can’t be good at it
2018
Just you wait
