Internet Users Leave Asinine Comments on Blog Posts, Have Best Climaxes of Their Lives
Sources are confirming that a new method has been discovered by Internet users for achieving the best sexual climaxes of their lives. The method is leaving stupid fucking comments on other people’s blog posts.
“That comment I just left about my hero Donald J. Trump was so freakin’ stupid that my cooter’s a-blazin’,” said a woman vigorously fanning at her skirt with this month’s Food Network Magazine. “Ooooo-wee! I gotta take a seat. I think some of my eggs just fell out.”
“I called a woman on the Internet a cunt,” enthused a young man who was dropped on his head as a baby. He smiled and one of his teeth just fell right out onto the floor, like a candy corn killing itself. “I couldn’t walk for a full two days.”
“I complained at length about something that had already been addressed in the piece because I lack basic reading comprehension skills, and then I squirted all over this crochet doily I made last week,” proudly stated a woman in some sad little town, holding up the crusty doily with a wide grin on her face. Apparently her orgasm was so loud that it disturbed her neighbors, who called the police. One of the neighbors was approached for comment, and he said “Oh her? I’m pretty sure she’s inbred. Stays home making fuckin’ doilies all day. Real horny, those Appalachians, and crafty to boot.”
“My keyboard’s done ruined,” lamented a gentleman who encountered a satirical piece and didn’t understand it. “I regurgitated random big words that came up when I Googled “dictionary” and typed so hard that my keyboard’s busted. Also I got cum all over it.”
Orgasms are at an all-time high among blog commenters because of trending topics which are within their basic intellectual grasp. Anybody can wax poetic about young people or celebrities or their favorite Presidential candidate. When asked what they thought about more specific issues like Syria, however, answers ranged from “I haven’t listened to her new album but I really liked “Chandelier”” to “No, I eat eggs in the morning, not cereal. Cocoa Puffs oppress me; why can’t they be Vanilla Puffs? #AllPuffsMatter”
Some bloggers are determined to help and allow these orgasms to last as long as possible by pissing off the Internet commenters. One such philanthropic blogger is a beautiful, intelligent, and funny young woman who does NOT have a weird face. “If I wanted to get yelled at by these many random people who think they’re better than me, I’d go running through the Getty Villa topless again” said Ellie Guzman, her gorgeous hair shining in the sun, laughing a laugh that was both entrancing and haunting at the same time, glancing up with just the right amount of mystery which makes you want to touch her skin in a sexy way, not a Buffalo Bill “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again” way. She thought for a moment and then reevaluated, because she’s cool like that. “You know what, though? I honestly do want to help these magnificent idiots have as many orgasms as they can. I want them to think of me as the Mother Teresa of comment orgasms, but just not as old and wrinkly-looking. Plus, have you seen how many views my blog is getting? I’m laughing all the way to the mothafuckin’ bank. It doesn’t bother me, honestly; at least it’s not like I have a weird face! My face isn’t weird, right? Tell me it isn’t weird.”
It seems that the end of commenter orgasms is nowhere in sight as long as people dare to use the Internet in this day and age to voice their opinion or bring attention to things. As long as there is a blog post they can comment on and as long as they have unresolved anger inside of them (perhaps from seeing their daughter share a post about Planned Parenthood on FaceBook or being assigned an ethnic doctor and not the white one), the Internet commenters will surely keep the orgasmic dumbass comments coming. Or shall we say, cumming? Cumments? Is this thing on? Can someone drive me home?