How to Write
Hello internet. It has happened. I am officially writing my first episode of TELEVISION. To be fair, I’ve always believed I’m a writer because I made words on internet and three of you were gullible enough to read them but this is different because I had to sign a thingy. Now that I am a Certified Paid Person Who’s Writing An Episode For TV and Signed a Thingy So There’s No Way They Can Take This From Me, I’ve come to offer you some hot writing tips.
Cry and Freak Out in Secret
Literally just freak out. Hug yourself and think about how this is really happening while you hide in an empty conference room at work. Tell yourself it’s not a big deal and neg yourself into the comfortable cusp of apathy, but then boomerang back into full panic mode. This is an integral part of the process.
Spend Money You Don’t Have Yet
Your writing will lead to money, and having money will lead to spending money. This means that you can spend money now before you even get paid, because more money will be coming in the future to replace it. This math is foolproof. I’m buying an air purifier and you can’t stop me!
Tell your friends. Tell your parents. Tell your parents’ friends, and your friends’ parents. Tell your neighbor. Tell your proctologist. Tell people far and wide because you are now a writer, and writing doesn’t mean anything if you can’t get attention from it.
Wake Up With Cold Sweats Instead of Sleeping
The fact that people expect words from you is daunting, so wake up in a cold sweat every night. Panic-spiral yourself to sleep and wake up at 3am wondering how you’re going to pull this off and brainstorm the ten thousand ways you’re going to mess it up. Wake up, put on some undereye concealer, and proceed about your day as if you’re not in a constant state of fear.
Tell Yourself that Procrastination is Research
When you are a writer, anything that you do to procrastinate is merely research. Watching TV instead of writing is a way to learn about story structure. Going out with friends instead of outlining is just gathering human experience to populate stories with later. Writing an article about writing instead of writing what you’re supposed to be writing is a writing exercise, especially if you include the word “writing” as much as you possibly can.
Go forth and write, my protégés! I’ll be here, barfing delicately from the stress. Yay!