How To Make Sure No One At Work Notices You’ve Been Possessed By A Demon
So, you’ve been possessed by a demonic entity. Cliché much? Believe it or not, it’s much more common than you think. And honestly, it’s not that hard to keep it under wraps at work. So grab your thermos, put on your cardigan, and get ready to do that thing where you’re walking by someone in a hallway and don’t know whether to say hi or not so you furtively glance at them and you make fleeting eye contact and you both kind of grimace at each other and continue walking and you’re hyper aware of not touching their elbow with your elbow and then they say “hi” really quietly and you’re not sure if you heard it so you let out a little grunt but it comes out sounding like a tiny moan and you go into the bathroom and sigh really heavily.
Wait, what was the question?
Step One: Don’t put your feet up on the table next to someone’s face during a meeting
Look, people are going to give you a sad little smile and say they don’t mind, but they’ll mind. They will also highly suspect that your body has become a vessel for a being of the underworld. Don’t put your nasty feet up on the table right next to Karen’s face. Just don’t do it.
Step Two: Don’t act like a fucking baby
If you have a meeting at 3pm, you should be at that meeting at 3pm. That is why they call it a “jorb”. Don’t keep everyone waiting because you somehow didn’t notice an email, a text, Karen knocking on your door and saying “hiiiii we’re ready for you” in her annoying post-nasal drip voice, and a calendar reminder. Go. To. Your. Meeting. If everyone else can do it and not you, the only explanation is that you’re one of Hades’s undead soldiers and it’s just a matter of time before Karen figures it out.
Step Three: Try your best not to point out that your coworker is female / gay / Asian / etc
Look, I understand that ever since your human soul was yanked from this earth and replaced with an immortal Satanic spirit, you think you’re the funniest person/demon on earth and that other people simply can’t handle how “edgy” you are. I’m telling you now, this will land you in hot water. I know that you like hot water because it reminds you of the hellfire surrounding your condo back home, but it’s a no-no. Try acting like the person taking notes at the meeting is just a human being. When Karen has something to say in the meeting (when does she not?), try not to interrupt her. I know it’s hard, but I believe in you. Also, if you say the words “that woman” or “what’s the Filipino’s job?” in that tone of voice of yours, I promise you that your cover will be blown and you’ll have to get a whole new flesh sack to transport your demonic gaseous form.
Step Four: Don’t reply to an email thread seven times over the course of ten minutes with one liners as if it’s a chat or something
I mean, come on! For Lucifer’s sake, Karen!
Step Five: Be a grownup with manners
Don’t drive like you’re Dominic Torreto from The Fast and The Furious in the parking garage. Clean up after yourself. Please flush the toilet. No one wants to see your demon poopoos. Bad behavior like hoarding all the tissue boxes and leaving your bloody tampons on the bathroom counter are all dead giveaways that you have been possessed by a demon(yes, some demons have menstrual cycles. It’s a glass ceiling moment).
Being possessed by a demonic entity can be a hassle, but if you follow these tips, you should be able to scrape by without Karen trying to perform an exorcism on you during the company holiday party. Wait. What if Karen’s the demon?
Yeah, that’s gotta be it.