How to Be An Idiot on the 4th of July

Let’s go to the hospital!

So, instead of taking your family to a beautiful, professional, and free fireworks show, you’ve decided that you want to take things into your own hands by blowing them off with illegal fireworks. “Nothing bad will happen to me because I am me and God loves me,” you think, preparing the fireworks in your house while your child eagerly hops up and down. He better enjoy hopping now while he still has both feet.

“What do you know, Ellie?” you ask, sipping a Bud Lite while I rub my temples as little Timmy cradles the very firework that’ll turn his right hand in ceviche. “Gee,” I reply, pouring myself a pint of straight tequila, “only what I learned from witnessing this gory shit firsthand at the ER.”

“Ahhh,” you say, smiling, “but I’ve done this loads of times. Come on little Timmy! Let’s go get us some third degree burns!”

Here’s how to land yourself a one way ticket to Dumbass Land on this 4th of July:

  1. Playing with fireworks

This 4th of July, try not to be a nincompoop and spare your family the trauma of having their limbs turned into ground turkey, yeah? Yay! Go America!

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TV writer trying to have it all. Former healthcare worker turned comedy goblin. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: https://amzn.to/369O9ac

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Ellie Guzman

TV writer trying to have it all. Former healthcare worker turned comedy goblin. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: https://amzn.to/369O9ac