How to Be An Idiot on the 4th of July

Let’s go to the hospital!

So, instead of taking your family to a beautiful, professional, and free fireworks show, you’ve decided that you want to take things into your own hands by blowing them off with illegal fireworks. “Nothing bad will happen to me because I am me and God loves me,” you think, preparing the fireworks in your house while your child eagerly hops up and down. He better enjoy hopping now while he still has both feet.

“What do you know, Ellie?” you ask, sipping a Bud Lite while I rub my temples as little Timmy cradles the very firework that’ll turn his right hand in ceviche. “Gee,” I reply, pouring myself a pint of straight tequila, “only what I learned from witnessing this gory shit firsthand at the ER.”

“Ahhh,” you say, smiling, “but I’ve done this loads of times. Come on little Timmy! Let’s go get us some third degree burns!”

Here’s how to land yourself a one way ticket to Dumbass Land on this 4th of July:

1. Playing with fireworks
2. Letting your children play with fireworks
3. Not securing your pet dog or cat and now guess what, they ran away because they were terrified of all the fireworks and now they’re out there super scared and alone because your ass couldn’t bother to put them somewhere safe because you were too preoccupied with your goddamn fireworks
4. Forgetting your child’s favorite toy when you have to take them to the hospital after letting them play with fireworks
5. Getting really drunk and handling (say it with me!) fireworks
6. Trying to save some money on gas by avoiding a professional fireworks show and just doing it yourself but now you owe thousands in hospital bills and physical therapy for little Timmy’s new prosthetic
7. Forgetting that if you set off fireworks in public in the middle of the street like some kind of inbred turd monster that it affects the people around you (including veterans that might have PTSD you fucking imbecile) and can also lead to traffic accidents involving innocent people that have nothing to do with your stupid shenanigans
8. Thinking your kids can’t get hurt if you set off the illegal firework yourself but forgetting that debris is a thing that harms people and can cause permanent damage
9. Straight up dying
10. Not realizing that all fireworks can harm, including sparklers. I’ll say that again. Sparklers. Sparklers actually cause the most injuries. Yuuuuup.

This 4th of July, try not to be a nincompoop and spare your family the trauma of having their limbs turned into ground turkey, yeah? Yay! Go America!