How to Be an Excellent Hot Mess in Three Easy Steps!

Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema? Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit?

It’s okay. There’s a solution to all this. Here it is: there is no solution. So fuck it!

Your life may suck right now but it is YOUR LIFE. So grab that puppy by the horns, swing your leg over the side, and ride that son of a bitch to party town.

STEP ONE: SHOUT YOUR SHIT INTO THE VOID

The great thing about shouting your shit into the void is that it will be out of your system for the moment and honestly, no one will hear you over the sound of their own shouting.

Some people call this “blogging.”

STEP TWO: EMBRACE YOUR MORTALITY

When it seems like things are getting too overwhelming, take a moment and remember that you are but a speck on a floating rock and your life won’t crumble if you get a B on that homework assignment or you said the wrong thing at a party to someone. Feel your mortal body: concentrate on your lungs filling with air, the way your feet plant on the ground, the wind against your face. Now go party because we’re all going to be dust.

STEP THREE: ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR STRUGGLE IS HELPING YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON

Your life may not be puppies and rainbows and financial kickbacks right now, but that’s okay. You’re growing, and your struggle right now is helping you become a well-rounded, more interesting person. Remember that the pain that you are in shall pass, and more stable days will come. In the meantime, embrace the mess.

Also can you come pick me up? I’m in a gas station bathroom and there’s no toilet paper.

You can preorder Ellie Guzman’s debut book, From Rags to Different Rags, for $10 here. It is a collection of funny, irreverent, yet poignant essays on being a poor kid in wealthy spaces, from private school to the entertainment industry.

TV writer trying to have it all. Former healthcare worker turned comedy goblin. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: https://amzn.to/369O9ac