Hi it’s me, Ellie, formally a human, now a brand. Sup.
I remember the day I was conceived as a brand. A mommy brand and daddy brand hugged each other very tight and brand-new brand-me squeezed right out of one of their buttholes into this void we call existence.
One of my favorite things about being a brand is picking certain actions and calling them my brand. For example, binge drinking regularly is seen as a symptom of alcoholism, but when I do it, binge drinking on a Tuesday is just part of my brand. Likewise, sleeping in til 12pm is a sign of several disorders but not when you’re a brand.
Being a brand also lets me escape the confines of society. As a young Latina woman the odds are stacked against me, but as a brand, I almost have it as good as a white boy in public school. Every time I refer to myself as “a brand” I also gain ten dominance points over anyone I’m talking to, so this comes in handy when talking to people who, unlike me, do not buy their underwear in bulk at Costco.
As a brand, I can also venture out into other business opportunities, such as:
- a laundromat that operates solely on Bitcoin
- a second chance at Zwinky
- a hospital for stuffed animals that is also a skating rink
- Meals on Wheels but it’s just Lunchables
- knitting for female politicians
The very best part of being a brand is that there is so much information out there on how to be a brand. People teach other people to be a brand, and being a brand becomes their brand, and no matter how hard you dig, it’s impossible to find out what their initial brand was in the first place. To a brand like me, that’s beautiful. Or rather, it’s brandsome. See that? I made a brand pun, and now I’m as cool as a major fast-food chain with a snarky Twitter presence. I’ve reached peak brand.
I’m glad to finally solidify myself as a brand. It’s something I’ve been working toward ever since I was a little hungover when I woke up this morning, and I’m so glad you guys could come on this journey with me. So now we’re in agreement, I put the word “brand” in my headline, and I’d like some of your money. It’s totally cool, I’ll tutor you on how to be a brand. I promise.
Ellie Guzman is a writer who lives in Los Angeles. Her sister L came up with half of the demented business opportunities seen above (I, for one, would 100% invest for the skating rink).