Have We Tried Taking Trump To A Latino Party?

I’m not talking Latin Night at some club in a gentrified neighborhood. I mean a real Latino party; one where the only drinks options are Corona and Modelo beer, tequila, and Kerns canned mango juice. One where it’s some four year old kid’s birthday so there’s a bouncy house and a piñata, but the party’s really for adults what with the live DJ, booze, and nonstop gossiping. One where fixing your own plate versus having the host fix you a plate is a type of sociopolitical warfare.

Maybe if we take Trump to one of these parties, he’ll see the light and might begin treating us like people. Once he goes to a baby shower that lasts from 6pm to past midnight, or a birthday party in the courtyard of an apartment building somewhere in Los Angeles, or to a themed party where the host owns a house and also thinks she’s better than everyone because she just bought a Michael Kors bag, he’ll see we have hopes and dreams just like everyone else.

Now, we don’t want to scare him. Taking him to a quinceañera or Latino wedding might be too much for him. But we also don’t want him to miss out on the beautiful things our culture brings with it, like:

Tres Leches Cake (from a local panaderia or maybe even Porto’s if you’re feeling fancy)

Honestly any of these will do

Pan Con Pollo (only authentic if served on a paper plate)

My mouth is watering

Cola Champagne (also known as Kolashampan)

The tagline is literally “the flavor of our people” which is the TRUTH

“Suavemente” by Elvis Crespo

Try not to dance to this

Recuerdos

It’s always the same little plastic babies or a ceramic angel face

Centerpiece flower arrangements that moms fight over like it’s the damn Hunger Games

People will get hurt and friendships destroyed

Other honorable mentions include the one emo teenager who refuses to speak Spanish but can totally understand it, a DJ who’s either 14 or over 40, arriving three hours late, and flan.

Maybe if Trump comes to one of these parties, he’ll stop his racist, xenophobic, ignorant treatment of Latinos. And even if he doesn’t, well, the party could always use an extra piñata.

Ellie Guzman is a Salvadoran American writer living in Los Angeles. She reeeeeaaaally wants a pan con pollo now.

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