Someone Get Dwayne The Rock Johnson On The Phone Right Fucking Now
- Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made
- Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent
- Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra
- The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this
- Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen Choice Award
- The Groupie — Melissa McCarthy is a groupie for Mark Wahlberg’s band. She tries to bang him but it’s a joke because she’s not a supermodel. Shenanigans ensue. She poops in his trailer and the toilet gets clogged
- Sugar — Anna Kendrick or other marketably quirky, attractive female tries to find a sugar daddy but ends up falling for a Male Friend Who Has Always Loved Her
- Chode — a short but meaty romp
- Barrel and Hammer — get it? Like a gun?
- The Sting— we get to see Dwayne Johnson covered in sweat and grime which is always a treat. Wow, it just got really hot in here. I’ll be in the shower
- Overture — doesn’t the title just sound like a guy with a buzzcut is going to uncover some kind of conspiracy?
- Trigs — ex-Marine who is done (you hear it?! DONE!) with violence is pulled back in. And it turns out he is called Trigs… because he always pulls the trigger. Fuck!
- The Papers — Loosely based on the Panama thingy but it’s not as good as it should be. The dialogue sounds like a concussed Sorkin impression
- Miracle Creek — blind kid falls into a river and can see again. I don’t know. I am very drunk
- Texts — beautiful Medium blogger’s boyfriend doesn’t text her back so she kills him… or does she? (She does)
- Debby the Dinosaur — some suburban boy whose parents are divorcing (because of course they are) finds a dinosaur egg and, with the help of an eccentric janitor who was a scientist in his home country of Yugoslavia, hatches it
- Some Adventure With White Kids — you know, creatures and shit. Offered in 3D, 4D, IMAX, etc. A guy at a laundromat tries to sell you a bootleg copy three days after it comes out
- Irréversible — a remake of this film but with Disney actors. Why are you looking at me like that?
Those are my pitches. I will only accept offers over thirty million dollars. You’re welcome for my time.