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“Someone Like You” by Adele is playing softly in the background

Disclaimer: I’m not Marco Rubio, nor do I support his politics. We’re both saucy little Latinos but that’s where the similarities end.

The Rubz did not have a good day yesterday. He dropped out of the presidential race after losing his home state of Florida to a person that is best described as a successful (as in living, breathing, often bankrupt) Frankenstein experiment but instead of dead bodies it’s just Karl Rove’s neck sweat merged with a ton of old potatoes and finally a desert tumbleweed used as hair/garnish (depending on your cannibalistic tendencies and your love for potatoes and sweat).

I can only imagine what Lil Marc did last night; chances are he sat in his bathtub with a bottle of Beringer Chardonnay while listening to “Everybody Hurts” and he used like, five different Lush bath bombs in the tub (that’s like $40!). Either that or he made the trek to Universal Studios Orlando where he went into Harry Potter World and cradled Dobby’s corpse (I know it’s hidden in there somewhere) while muttering a scrapped victory speech to himself and rocking back and forth.

Thinking about Rubafoo’s sadness reminded me of times when I too was so beat up by the universe that I got shitfaced off of Jim Bean (I know. Don’t look at me like that) and wept to Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” cover. I’m a strong believer in moping for a day when you’re sad and then wiping your eyes and moving the hell on. But when I mope, I mope hard. That’s the point! Here are some of those days and true stories of how I moped:

  • The day I got my first F (in college!) and decided “fuck this day in particular” and drove all the way from USC to Santa Monica to pick up pizza from my favorite place, drove from there to Malibu, and watched the sunset while eating a family-sized meat lovers’ pizza by myself

What I’m trying to say with these stories is that much like the RubeTube I had miserable times but I eventually bounced back. There’s value in moping and sometimes it’s okay to eat a giant bag of Hot Cheetos while sobbing in your car. Hang in there you Little Nugget of Conservatism. I might not agree with your politics, or your strategy, or your forehead-to-hair ratio, but I promise it’s going to be okay. Mope on, Little Rube Dude! You’ll bounce back.

Ellie Guzman has a website and a cute dog. What’re some of your Rubio day stories?

Written by

TV writer trying to figure it out. My book “Rags to Rags“ is available here: https://amzn.to/369O9ac . You can support my writing here: https://bit.ly/352dzrf

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