Starting a new position is intimidating. Whether you’re starting fresh at a company or you’ve been recently promoted, it can be daunting to face a whole new set of responsibilities and more importantly, a new set of quirks and eccentricities that you have to tiptoe around like a sneaky ballerina.
There’s a lot of articles that give advice for your new position: show up early, talk in meetings, don’t be ugly. However, I’m here to tell you the Real Shit (trademark pending), because nothing really matters if you don’t nail the little things. You’ve got a great idea for efficiency but you still haven’t asked Karen about her kid’s soccer game? You have failed, you fool. You have failed.
Learn People’s Names
Learning names is hard. It’s even harder when you’re nervous on your first day and meet thirty people at once. This is why you need mnemonics to serve as maps for your shitty little neuron synapses. For example: Max wears glasses and glasses rhymes with passes and there’s bus passes to ride the bus and when you were growing up you always took the bus to T.J. Maxx to meet your boyfriend Janitor Jim. Or, you know, just never say anyone’s name.
Decode Lunch Culture
Do people here bring lunch from home or grab it nearby? Do they eat alone or together? Do they eat outside or at their desks? Do they talk or eat in stone-cold silence? Do they mingle with different groups or stick to their clique? Is it just you or have you teleported back to high school lunch period where you scarfed down your sandwich and read Harry Potter while doing kegels?
Find A Poop Spot
After a while, the workplace will become home away from home. Much like your home, you will also need to wreck the toilet. I tend to like going one floor above or below my team, that way I don’t have to look my desk neighbor in the eye after effectively giving rectal birth in the middle of the day. Try to figure out what the ply number situation is before disaster strikes.
Cope with Anxiety
Getting a new job can be a source of relief because of the financial stability and reassurance that your dreams aren’t trash, but it can also be extremely nerve-wracking. You have to prove that hiring you wasn’t a fluke of the universe, and often there’s a steep learning curve. Every day that you don’t have a mental breakdown is a win, to be honest. Basically, saddle up numbnuts, it’s panic attack time! At least for the next 27 months.
Figure Out What the Deal is With These People
Your new team seems to be on good terms with each other. People willingly spend time together, even outside of work like complete maniacs. Any issues are dealt with smoothly and it looks like everyone has each other’s best interests at heart, and the project is all the better for it. Oh God. Is it possible these people are… cool?
Nah. Go browse LinkedIn from your poop spot.